There is a strange phenomenon that the occurs when speaking to women that have been suffering from spousal abuse. The fact that the abuse has occurred is not a mystery, it is obvious from what these patients report: negative statements about themselves that are demeaning such as: “ you are stupid, ugly, not sexy, nobody would want you, you’re a terrible mother, I cannot figure out why I chose you as my wife in the first place,” and other such statements. There may be the occasional bout of getting choked after having been thrown against the wall during an argument or perhaps also a bit of hitting. Nothing serious of course, no broken bones, significant blood loss or need to go to the ER for x-rays or stitches. And besides “we always make up, especially after I apologize because I know I brought it on myself for disagreeing with what he said”.
This scenario is far from rare and most psychiatrists have heard this story in its variations many times. Outsiders can never understand why such a woman would not just leave the relationship, but they don’t appreciate how that kind of treatment diminishes a woman’s self-confidence and self-esteem, even if she would have the occupational and financial means of leaving.
The attending psychiatrist seeing such a woman often says that she must realize that she’s being abused. At this point the patient responds with silence and a blank stare and then, when she starts speaking again, expresses her doubt, even puzzlement about why she should be told such a thing.
The interesting question is why there is such resistance to understanding and acknowledging the true nature of things.
The doubt and the resistance do not make any sense, but they never fail to emerge. And it is not that these patients are not bright and intelligent women, many of whom have professional standing in law, management or other profession.
One wonders whether there may be a connection with the well-known Stockholm syndrome in which captives develop a close emotional relationship with their captor. Here is a link to a news article published by the BBC but first a lengthy citation from Wikipedia which sheds further light on this syndrome.
Wikipedia says this.
Stockholm syndrome is a condition in which hostages develop a psychological alliance with their captors during captivity.[1] Emotional bonds may be formed, between captor and captives during intimate time together, but these are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims. The FBI’s Hostage Barricade Database System and Law Enforcement Bulletin indicate that roughly 8% of victims show evidence of Stockholm syndrome. [2][3] About ninety-six percent of victims involve suicide, domestic violence, and include people with previous relationships with the abuser.[4]
This term was first used by the media in 1973 when four hostages were taken during a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden. The hostages defended their captors after being released and would not agree to testify in court against them.[5] Stockholm syndrome is paradoxical because the sympathetic sentiments that captives feel towards their captors are the opposite of the fear and disdain which an onlooker might feel towards the captors.
There are four key components that characterize Stockholm syndrome:
- A hostage’s development of positive feelings towards the captor
- No previous relationship between hostage and captor
- A refusal by hostages to cooperate with police forces and other government authorities (unless the captors themselves happen to be members of police forces or government authorities).
- A hostage’s belief in the humanity of the captor because they cease to perceive the captor as a threat when the victim holds the same values as the aggressor[2]
Stockholm syndrome is a “contested illness” due to doubt about the legitimacy of the condition.[5] It has also come to describe the reactions of some abuse victims beyond the context of kidnappings or hostage-taking. Actions and attitudes similar to those suffering from Stockholm syndrome have also been found in victims of sexual abuse, human trafficking, terror, and political and religious oppression.[5]
This BBC article really drives the point home: https://www.bbc.com/news/